Sugar Plum (sugarplum708) wrote in on_our_way,
Sugar Plum
sugarplum708
on_our_way

Your dearest wish will come true.

That is what the fortune that I keep on my desk says. "Your dearest wish will come true."

My dearest wish is to be at peace with myself. To like who I am.

One of my 'goals' is to lear how to just 'be'. To learn to accept myself just as I am. PERIOD.

There is a big part of me that wants to add to that. 'To learn to accept myself just as I am...but to continue to grow...but to continue to learn...but to continue to change.' But...but...but.

My dearest wish is just to accept myself. To feel at peace.

I don't think that I have ever known that. I may have felt it for moments, but I want that to be a big part of my LIFE.

In making the goals community, it has helped me to come to some realizations. I am hurting my marriage. By refusing to accept myself, I am refusing to let my husband accept me. I need constant reassurance. And I believe I have figured out why.

I had a pretty bad childhood (not an excuse, just a fact - where the story starts). I pretty much raised myself. I don't think that my parents loved me. My father abandoned us and my mother is manic depressive - and I don't really know if she is capable of love. Being a love starved teenager, I turned to guys for love. Usually the wrong type of guys. Guys who were mean to me (just like my step father was to my mother). Then I decided that that is not what I wanted I wanted a NICE guy. And I found one.

Ok...I need to back up. I have never liked myself. As a child I often lied to my parents. I stole. I cheated. I did things that I shouldn't have done and I have always had a guilty consious. I became close to my uncle as I got older. He tried to dominate my life, completely control me. And in some ways I let him, but I also manipulated him and lied to him. Still hating myself.

Back to meeting the nice guy. We got married. Had an ok marriage. We were good friends. I didn't desire him though. And eventually, I didn't respect him - too nice, too much of a push over. I eventually left him for another man. Still hating myself.

Went through the divorce. The man I left my husband for started seeing someone else. I found out by reading his email (say him enter the password one day). I know that I pushed him away by my neediness. And I am afraid that I am doing that to my husband (2nd husband). I am often asking him if he loves me, if he likes the person that I am, etc. I even get tired of all my questions. I can't imagine how he feels.

The weird thing is that there isn't usually anything wrong, I just want to hear him say it.

I have come to the understanding that the reason I feel that I NEED that is because I still don't like myself. I am afraid to look to closely at myself for fear that I won't like what is there. And the thing is, I have come so far. I am not that same person. I'm not the liar, the cheat, the slut, the theft, the manipulator.

Of course, I have my faults. I am not always honest, I do tell white lies. I make excuses for not doing things. I say that I am sick to get out of doing things that I don't want to do. I feel that in some way I have cheated my husband - when he met me, I was much more outgoing, more willing to try new things, was more interested in sex. Over time I have changed. And I am afraid that he won't love me because of those changes. I have to come to some understanding within myself that I need to be who I am and to accept myself.

What is your dearest wish?

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